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17 June 2016

The Ladies’ Love Oracle


It will be too glorious.
Go to your ruin, if you will.
It is needful that he be very good; yes, in spite of delays.
He will love you for a month.
Yes, at a country ball.

Wait, you will congratulate yourself,
Do not be uneasy.
You would be wrong by appearing frank and open.
Your least virtue.

No, my fine lady; be upon your guard.
By a more careful toilet, without doubt.
He’ll be handsome, like your present one.
The future will teach you it.

You ought not to hope. Why not, if you love him?
Yes, from midday to midnight.
Could you do without it?
Many things are opposed to it.

By a skillfully-managed intrigue
Don’t wait for it, you’ll only lose time.
Yes, a hussar. Yes, all except one.
Thy wit equals thy beauty.

Continue to ignore him.
You must renounce the world.
Handsome body, but deformed mind.
He smokes his segar and forgets you.

Count no more upon it.
It is useless.



Answers to oracle questions from Madam Le Marchand’s Fortune Teller and Dreamer’s Dictionary, published in 1863. Submitted by Lori Hahnel.

15 June 2016

Sweet poison


When I first started selling wild honey
the price was extremely high. Then someone
in Korea ate too much and died.


This year’s harvest: quarter of a teaspoon.
You have a few minutes before
you are overcome with an urgent need
to defecate, urinate and vomit.

After the purge, you alternate between
light and dark. You can see and then
you can’t see. A sound, jam jam jam pulses,
like the drone of a bee hive, in your head.
Then you lose all motor function.
The paralysis lasts for a day or so.

Normally we have to see a doctor
to get bad things taken out of our bodies,
but the honey does this for us.




From the caption to a National Geographic Instagram photo of wild honey. Submitted by Liam Gresby.

13 June 2016

Craig's List, Hope's Personals


I am real.
And.
I hope you are too.

It rained in the morning.
Hope. Your. Our. There.
Friends, I hope.

I hope you find happiness
losing hope in women.

I hope I can find
someone tonight.



Craigslist Houston listings for 'Hope' including full words only, extracted 22 May 2016. Submitted by Jody T. Morse.

10 June 2016

a southbound Amtrak


a southbound Amtrak
passenger and mail train gone
when the windows clear



From an NPR news story some time in the early 1990s. One evening I turned on my car radio and the words in the poem were the first thing I heard. Submitted by John Maruskin.

08 June 2016

One of my hermits is moulting


What should I do?
Nothing. Moulters already
have to suffer from stress.
Disturbing them will make it worse.
Place a cave over them
to provide darkness.
Most will harden.

How do I distinguish a dead hermit?
Look for a claw in the shell.
The eyes should be hollow
and translucent.
The eyes of dead hermits
are dark in colour, just like
when they were alive.

How long should I wait?
You are better digging
up a dead hermit
three months later
than stressing one to death
that was alive and could
have surfaced on its own.

Why is my hermit being lethargic?
This is normal behaviour.
Offer protein and calcium.
There is not much else you can do.
Sometimes they experience
difficulty shedding
so they give up and drop.



Advice from Hermit Crab Paradise website, extracted 29 April 2016. Submitted by Linda Goulden.

06 June 2016

A visit



Every place on earth should be like this; unexpected.
On a good day, you can see forever.

Restful sleep for a windy place.
Tranquility is a marvelous experience
sound of meadowlarks in the morning, music
for the body.
Breath and love are everything.

This is sort of my home town.
Where my father went to school,
took piano lessons.

I had stitches on my hand in this place –

Nice to be back home,
to see the old schoolroom and
place where I was born

Different than I remember it as

Hope we weren’t too much trouble.
Thanks for the beer.

(You will remember me by the broken chair)



Entries in the visitors' guest book at the Convent Inn in Val Marie, Saskatchewan, Canada, noted during a visit in the autumn of 2006. Submitted by Shannon Bruyneel.

03 June 2016

Mystery in Sochi


They are about two inches wide,
squarish, and five inches tall.
They hail from the Toggenburg
Valley of northeast Switzerland,
and they are held in the highest
regard by experts around the world.
They are glass bottles used to hold
athletes’ urine samples.



From Mystery in Sochi Doping Case Lies With Tamper-Proof Bottle,Rebecca R. Ruiz, New York Times, 13 May 2016. Submitted by Evie Groch.

01 June 2016

Spring is here


I've just been amazed at how rapidly
the last few weeks have flown by - like
tiny little birds not like
Canadian geese
who are like the B52s
of the Avian world.
I have more bird poop
on my car recently.
Spring is here.



An email from my boyfriend. Submitted by Debby Thompson.

31 May 2016

I NEED A PHONE!


I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
NO ONE WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE
Did you try the Shell?
YES!
Did you try the motel up the street?
YES!
I NEED A CIGARETTE
NO ONE WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE!
What do you need the phone for?
I NEED TO CALL MY PHARMACIST BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Your pharmacist?
YES!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
NO ON WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE!
CAN I HAVE A CIGARETTE!
Sure. Here you go.
THANKS!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
I NEED TO CALL MY PHARMACIST!
DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT!
Yes, here you go.
I NEEEEEED TO USSSEE THE PHOOOONNNNEEE!
Well I'm sorry I don't have one.
WHY WON'T ANYONE LET ME USE THE PHONE!
I NEED TO CALL MY DEALER!
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE!
DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA CIGARETTE!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!



A conversation I had with a lady near my job at a Family Services office in Surrey, UK, 10 May 2016. Submitted by Wanda Kehewin.

26 May 2016

Of Monarchs and Milkweed


With the cacophony
of Interstate 35 traffic as a backdrop,
Tyler Seiboldt stands
on the side
of the freeway

with three other researchers,
all
scanning the ground.
Three ragweed, Seiboldt says to the group.
Litter one adds, Julian Chavez,

a research assistant
in the environmental science department.

Their seemingly indecipherable utterances
are the start of two days’ study
of plants along the interstate

from San Antonio
to Laredo
and back again.



From Of Monarchs & Milkweed by Michelle Mondo, Sombrillo, The UTSA Magazine. Submitted by Ash Connell.

23 May 2016

Julia Chesley is Moving to Cape Cod


Julia Chesley says the world keeps on spinning, but as for me, i haven't moved in years.
I strongly dislike catering. It is something I’m doing for now. I don’t want it to become my life. That makes me feel guilty every now & again. I’ll never be the one to take over my parents’ business
Julia Chesley is moving to Cape Cod in nine days.
Julia Chesley is moving to Cape Cod on THURSDAY!!
I just need a change from New Hampshire, from catering, from all the loneliness. I will leave my problems here, and just go.
Julia Chesley moves to Cape Cod TOMORROW!
I’m not really nervous at all.
Julia Chesley regrets procrastinating. Also (only slightly) regretful of the number of books to be moved. Oh dear...
My books are my best friends, and I need them. I can’t leave them. It would be like leaving pieces of my life.
Julia Chesley has the van loaded & is ready to go!
Rebecca Tolman Bryant wrote: Good luck! I hope you find what you are looking for.
Julia Chesley is moving today!! Much ♥ to NH...Cape Cod here I come!
Good bye New Hampshire! I'll be back to visit :) I'm moving to Cape Cod today. I'm excited & only a little nervous. No job yet, but the plan is to do whatever it takes to pay the bills in the beginning (i.e. waitress/caterer...eugh)...
Off on an adventure!
Julia Chesley lives on Cape Cod.
There, and writing it makes it so… if you can call this sea of boxes really living. Who am I without my sisters? Bailey, do you know?
Julia Chesley "I don't know who you're talking to/I made a search through every room,/but all I found was dust that moved/in shadows of the afternoon."
The apartment is so empty, so still.
Julia Chesley needs to find a second job. & fast.
Julia Chesley is making dinner.
For herself. Alone. Bailey watches me.
Kelsea Forsberg writes: how is the cape?!?! I'm so jealous Julia! Have you found a job or anything like that?
Ashley Campell wrote: How is your new life? ha ha
Julia Chesley HATES spiders. Eughhhh -shudders- NOT cool.
They are all over this house. And I think I see them everywhere. There was even one in my bed. I am not telling anyone about that one.
My status is: blank at the moment, but it might be “exists quietly” because, well, I do. I exist quietly.
Julia Chesley exists quietly.
Currently I am: feeling a little homesick and awfully lonely. Which in turn makes me feel pathetic. I’m 23. I ought to be more excited to start a new life.
Right now, I am listening to: the clock ticking inside and the birds chirping outside.
One of the things I miss most about college is the conversation. Intellectual, conscious, thought-provoking conversation.
Julia Chesley has killed 5 spiders in the past 2 hours. 2 in the bathroom, 1 in the livingroom, and 2 in the kitchen (one of which was the biggest one yet). HATEHATEHATE spiders :( :(
I love: my family, my friends, and my cat.
I hate: that I regret so much about my life.
Never in my life have I been: so uncertain.
My current annoyance is: the extraordinary number of spiders in this apartment.
Julia Chesley “the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap/And it teases you for weeks in its absence/But you'll fight and you'll make it through/You'll fake it if you have to” Rilo Kiley
My favorite animal is: cuddly, furry, and purrs. That would be a cat.
Julia Chesley is constantly amazed by the smallness of the world. I work with a woman who was in at least one of my English classes at PSU. Nice to see a friendly face!
I want to make the world a more beautiful place. I don’t know how just yet, but I know that it is something I want to do.
Julia Chesley has the day off & got a call from Casual Gourmet! Yay for a potential second job!!!
The thing I want to buy is: always more books.
Most recent thing I've bought myself: was groceries.
Julia Chesley has a second part time seasonal job. If I don't find a full time year round job...well, I'm not sure what will happen.
I read voraciously. My appetite for literature is huge & I wish I had someone to talk to about the things I read.
I’d rather buy a new book than buy groceries. & since I quit smoking, I have so much extra money to buy books! Savings account? Who needs that! Not when there are empty bookshelves to be filled!
Julia Chesley misses her sisters. A lot.
I don’t like children. Let me elaborate &/or rephrase that statement. It’s not that I don’t like children, I just don’t understand them. Or rather, they make me nervous.
Julia Chesley wishes she wasn't unhappy, but the truth is that she is.
I am looking forward to: figuring my life out.
Needless to say, I never went out for drama, nor did I pursue any creative writing avenues. I regret that. One of many regrets in my short life!
Julia Chesley I feel like a failure & just want to go back to NH where I have a job I'm good at that pays the bills, rent, while still allowing me to eat & purchase a book every now and then. :(
If I was an animal I'd: want to be a cat.
Julia Chesley thinks Bailey is sad too.
Julia Chesley misses New Hampshire. & her family. Oh, & having a job that pays the bills.
Fall is the best season, hands down. Perfect weather. Not too warm, not too cold. Just like baby bear’s porridge.
Julia Chesley wants to go home.
I am not very good at making decisions. I’ve had that same dilemma since I was young. Sorry if it’s frustrating! I just can’t say “yes” or “no” with certainty. It’s some sort of “have to please everyone” complex or something :p
Julia Chesley at least I tried.
Also, as far as affection goes, (& this is an example of my should-be-undisputed awkwardness) I can not initiate a hug. I’m not very good at hugging. I just don’t know how to do it. I do the awkward head bob from side to side, trying to figure out where my head goes & then WTF do you do with your arms?? It’s a source of major concern & confusion, which is complicated by the fact that I LOVE hugs & I wish I could hug someone every single GD day.
Julia Chesley knows what she needs to do for herself & is going to do it, no matter what anyone else might think or say.

I've decided to move back to NH.



Julia Chesley's Facebook updates, 2009. Submitted by Meg J. Petersen.

20 May 2016

Dear Shirley


Olive Garden’s new breadstick bun sandwiches
are makdeplanedg their debut
across AmBelaica this week

cashede of these days disbelieving June,
I thchengk you should plashedch yourself
somewhgonofe and then follow
an Olive Garden truck.

I suppose they will make it to
Tucsfertilisations, Ariz.,
but I am not sure if any of them
will get to the Forks.

I dbordered’t know about you, Shirley,
but I always have enjoyed the skIshtarny
breadstick buns with soup and/or salad
foundlings Olive Garden …

Thexemptionse will be people who
cbioecologisttJapanizationsue
gobblgrandparenthoodg
up the unlimited sklampreynianions buns.

Thbackhause probably will be people
optcloaksg for the new fentrantstblended
bun sandwiches.

Nobody federalization Olive Garden
evcheesed asked me whgroups I thought.
I just wrote down some

obsanathematisingvingrowthsienswathes
three years ago and ended up braided
nbufferedifaintheartednessal televisidefencive shows.

This is a crazy world we live grotesquery.
We stopped exalters this Olive Garden
for a ldespoile denamelingsngone.

We all had the soup and salad,
and it was vLatinisesy good.
We noticed thintegral the bread sticks

winjunctivee diffdivisionent
from othdecrepitly Olive Gardens'.
They seemed to have less
buttimmoderation and garlic.

The scontemporizingvice was a bit slow,
but it was adequcommiserativee.
The restaurant was busy,
even highwayman a lchillnesse hour.

The place was clean
and nicely
decoradolescentsed.



Almost invisibly small text at the bottom of a phishing email that appeared to be from a restaurant chain. Submitted by Manfred Gabriel and Dale Wisely.